Yes, it’s me – the Old Millhouse at Dalkeith.  I believe I am now attracting what the humans call a cult following. Well, that’s what Sally, the boss, tells me.  She says that she’s had lots of people ask her how on earth I can write such entertainingly different blogs, giving all the guests who come to stay with me a unique perspective on what it’s like here.

Well, I’ll let you into a little secret.  I can’t actually write.  If I could, I suspect the news would have leaked to the press and I’d have lots of those strange journalist people trying to find out how I do it and the pappar, parpar, paparitzi – oh, photographers – sneaking around in the garden trying to take long-lens photos of my downpipes.

In fact, what I do is I use new technology.  Obviously, I can talk (Sally and I have many girly chats when there are no guests around to hear us), but typing is a bit beyond me (it’s the lack of fingers). But since Sally introduced me to someone called Chatterbot, I can tell him (I think it’s a him, but it’s hard to tell), what I want to say and he writes it all down so Sally can read it back to me.  I have to say that Chatterbot doesn’t always get it right, so Sally gives him a row and threatens to unplug him until he corrects his English (I think he’s American), and we get it right.

Anyway, now I’ve revealed my little secret, can I tell you something else?  I have lots of guests coming over the rest of this year and am especially full up for something called the Edinburgh Festival.  But there are still a very few days/weekends free, so if you’re looking for a splendid break in a five-star luxurysetting, why not come and visit me.  Also, while I’m at it, can I tell you that if you come for three days between January and March next year, you can get one day free. Chatterbot tried to write something about the Casa Nostra and an offer you can’t refuse, but Sally told him not to be silly.  Instead, I told him that it’s my splendid winter offer to you and I’m looking forward to seeing you.